Out Of The West

Ever feel like leaving home?

The first half of last week was terrible - Wednesd...

The first half of last week was terrible - Wednesday was a particular low point - physically I'm feeling much better (still anaemic & getting tired so easily but now taking pain killers recreationally) but that just gives me more energy to brood. The second half of the week there was lots of alcohol and good company which provided both distraction and solace. I'm sleeping again (good) but having rather disturbing nightmares (bad).

I'm vacillating between desperately needing a plan, being too exhausted to ever contemplate going through all that again and just wanting to say fuck it all.

C's show went brilliantly - Simon & I were complete wrecks but she was fabulous. I'll have to post some pictures (when we can find the camera).

Today was/is awful. I don't want anymore days like...

Today was/is awful. I don't want anymore days like this ... ever ... for the rest of my life.

I am so bloody tired, I managed to sleep a bit las...

I am so bloody tired, I managed to sleep a bit last night (half a bottle of Bailey's (yuck) and a couple of amitriptyline) but I feel like a need to sleep for a couple of months to catch up. C has been ill (which completely freaked me out - I'm not usually that neurotic) and is needing pretty much 24 hour a day cuddles (I'm quite happy to oblige); oh and we had another sick cat episode too.

Apart from that I'm feeling shite - I intended to deal with my email today (haven't really felt like stringing a sentence together), but sure enough it isn't working for some reason, so there goes that plan. I've had a bath (not dressed though), fed us, read the entire works of Dr Seuss and done 40 minutes of maths with C - now I need to sleep again.

Its going to take 3 months to get an appointment for a referral to St Mary's and another 3 months for the appointment, so we're looking a next May before we do anything (and that will just be investigations - it'll be this time next year before we're in a position for more treatment (assuming that we can do the egg share thing)). Its pretty depressing really.

Have had a major clear out of my online contacts - I'm fed up with dealing with most people & don't really have the energy for their crises (would be nice to have the luxury to get so upset over nothing & btw there actually is a hierarchy of pain). So I've bid a fond (and not so) farewell to a load of groups & it feels good.

Not sure what I want to do next, it would really nice to be normal for a while, but then I just hear the tick-tocking of aging ovaries.

Sally, thank you for the candle, we named the baby Estella, we have some scan photos but I'm too scared of damaging them to scan them in.

It has been a week now since we discovered our bab...

It has been a week now since we discovered our baby had died, it feels like a hundred years. On Monday & Tuesday I listened for the heartbeat & heard it thunking away. I didn't listen on Wednesday because it was Claudia's birthday but I felt little nudges and tickles a couple of times. I lost more fluid that day; it was the first day that I'd been out of bed since the PROM. Two weeks of lying on my side, drinking vast amounts of water & hoping so hard that we'd get a miracle. I knew that the outcome was going to be dreadful (PROM<22 weeks is almost universally dire), but I still heard her heartbeat and marvelled at how strong & resilient she was. On Thursday I didn't feel anything & sure enough there wasn't a heartbeat no matter how hard I tried to find it. The scan on Friday confirmed it, no heartbeat, no fluid, no little baby bouncing & waving. She was 86mm long, absolutely perfect for 14 weeks. She was strong & brave and I'm so proud of her. We told the ultrasonographer that it was okay because we were expecting it - what?? What crazy things we say!

I've written (endlessly) about what has happened this past week in other places, I keep saying the same things over and over again - it hurts, it hurts so much, will it ever stop hurting? I haven't been able to say anything here, this is my space, I should be able to say what I need to; but I can't.

Someone told me that a common emotion after miscarriage is shame and that's how I feel. I'm disgusted with myself that I can't keep my babies alive. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the depth of my grief - I just cry and cry and cry, I can't eat, I don't sleep; this is nothing that I've ever felt before. I thought somehow that I could prepare for this, grieve in some dignified way, move on in an acceptable period of time - more fool me. The loss is so great but intangible, I don't have the little bump anymore, I don't have a heartbeat to listen to - I won't ever see this baby again, not even on an ultrasound screen. She won't be born & I'll never touch her. I need something to hold, something to make it real but there isn't anything.

We could have had footprints or asked for the baby back, but Sunday night became an emergency and we didn't think about it - God I wish we had, I wish someone had asked us. They blessed her, but I wasn't there; that would be the last time I would be able to be with her and I didn't get the chance. I wanted to see her. My milk came in last night - the torment! It hurts but I don't want it to go away, it is the last sign that there was ever a baby at all.

I don't understand this, I don't trust anyone who hasn't felt this to understand - I only feel safe with women who can say 'yes, I know, it hurts but you will survive, I did'. I don't want to go out into the world where it isn't a big deal and it wasn't a real baby and I should get over it. I hate that world and I feel completely abandoned by it. I'm so angry that anyone gets to be happy, my fucking baby is dead & it isn't fair.

Some things: C's audition - was yesterday, she di...

Some things:

C's audition - was yesterday, she did brilliantly ('superb' was the comment I liked best ;) ). 9 auditioned, 3 got selected for the main show - C being one of them.

I love my doppler.

S & C have gone into London today to pick up more drugs so I'm spending the day in bed with chocolate.

We're so looking forward to Nic's Halloween party :-)

Quickly because I'm exhausted. Had mixed news tod...

Quickly because I'm exhausted.

Had mixed news today - the baby is fine atm, size & heartbeat okay & jumping all over the place BUT I've apparently had a 'massive' bleed, in, behind and around the placenta. The doctor at the FMC said most of my uterus was full of blood. The good news is that is it starting to resolve, hopefully the worst is over & the baby survived. The bad news is that I'm still bleeding PV & cramping.

I've had to stop the aspirin & they are considering reducing the heparin (waiting for FBC results). I'm on bed rest again now until I stop bleeding completely, then will be taking things very easy for the foreseeable future. I have another scan at the FMC in 3 weeks, but can hear the HB with a doppler now so will no doubt be checking it is okay. The EDD is 16th May, which is Simon's birthday.